


should i do

by orphan_account



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, Drunk Frottage, Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-14 06:34:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19267774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Hyunwoo has been his best friend since as long as he can remember.





	should i do

Hyunwoo has been his best friend since as long as he can remember.

He remembers asking Hyunwoo to tie his shoelaces, because he still hadn’t learned to do it himself. He remembers asking Hyunwoo for help with his math homework when long division became complicated. He remembers taking every opportunity to hold Hyunwoo’s hand when they walked home from school together.

He remembers how Hyunwoo never shook him off or pushed him away, how he’d interlock his fingers with Jooheon’s shorter stubbier ones, and how he never let go until Jooheon chose to let go himself.

He remembers how as they grew older the more comfortable they became with one another, and how the more comfortable they became with one another the more complicated his feelings for Hyunwoo became.

Jooheon can’t remember exactly when those confusing feelings sprouted, but he remembers resenting every girl that Hyunwoo dated.

He remembers how his stomach would churn when he watched Hyunwoo lean down to kiss them. Or how he would sulk and attempt to change the subject whenever Hyunwoo talked about them with a fond smile.

He used to think he was just selfish, bitter because he was no longer the recipient of Hyunwoo’s constant attention, but selfish didn’t explain why he sometimes found himself imagining what it’d be like to be the one Hyunwoo leaned down to kiss, or the one Hyunwoo talked about with a fond smile.

Selfish didn’t explain why he felt relieved when every relationship eventually ended in a breakup.

Things could always go back to how they’d been before, but Jooheon’s own confusing feelings for Hyunwoo were ever present.

It wasn’t until his third year of highschool that Jooheon asked a girl out. At the time, he really liked her, and it was easy to be with her, because during that time Hyunwoo wasn’t around to distract him. Hyunwoo wasn’t around at all, really.

He had chosen to postpone studying Economics, and enlisted a few months after graduation.

Hyunwoo wasn’t someone who cried very often, at least not publicly, but the night he told Jooheon his plan to enlist, his face was flushed and tears rolled in steady streams down his cheeks.

Jooheon willed himself not to do the same, his voice wavered a bit when he told Hyunwoo how much he’d miss him, but he managed to keep in the tears threatening to slip from his watery eyes. He knew how much harder it would've been if he had cried too, he knew how guilty Hyunwoo would have felt being the cause of it.

So Jooheon held back the waterworks through dinner and the duration of the quiet cab ride back to his flat, and once alone in his bedroom, let the rush of tears lull him to sleep.

When Hyunwoo returned from the military, it was Jooheon who was puffy eyed and choking on his own words.

Hyunwoo didn’t flinch or push away when Jooheon hugged him for a few minutes too long. Instead he let himself be held, let his hands be a gentle pressure on the small of Jooheon’s back, and even when Jooheon finally took a reluctant step back and let the rest of his friend’s get their hugs in, he lingered close by.

That night they sat around a table for dinner, talking over one another and catching Hyunwoo up on everything he’d missed. All the while beneath the table Jooheon held Hyunwoo’s hand, afraid he might disappear if he let go.

With his absence, the world felt put off balance, like Jooheon had been walking at a slant for two years, but with Hyunwoo’s hand back in his own, he was standing upright again.

 

—————————————————————

 

Their relationship for so long has teetered a fine line between friends and _something more_. But Jooheon convinces himself he’s just misinterpreting Hyunwoo, blinded by years of one-sided pining.

But then there are nights when Jooheon thinks maybe, just _maybe_ , it isn’t all in his head.

Nights where they’re both a little buzzed, watching some cheesy romcom, sitting a little closer than usual. Jooheon sprawled lazily on Hyunwoo’s lap, Hyunwoo’s hand tucked slightly under the hem of his shirt. And Jooheon catches himself wishing that hand would wander higher, longing to feel the warmth drag against his skin, and when he gets drunker, he wants Hyunwoo to dip his hand lower, beneath the waistband he keeps thumbing at.

But he never does, and so Jooheon pushes those feelings further down. And that works for a little while. He pretends he wants Hyunwoo’s hands to stay above the belt, pretends he wants their relationship to stay above the belt. Jooheon convinces himself of his own lie, and he dwells less on his confusing feelings for Hyunwoo, rarely thinks of them at all.

It stays that way until Hyunwoo meets a girl during his third year of college, and then those feelings come rushing back to the surface.

Jooheon thinks maybe it’ll be like Hyunwoo’s past relationships, just another fling that barely survives six months. But then six months pass, and they’re still together, and then another six months pass, and they’re celebrating their one year anniversary.

Then another year passes, and while they’re spending their weekends on dates together, Jooheon is going through a series of less stable relationships of his own.

Jooheon becomes used to being the one being broken up with, and afterward he always finds himself at Hyunwoo’s door, waking him at some unpleasant hour of the morning, and asking if he can stay over for the night.

 _“I just don’t want to be alone right now.”_  

Despite Hyunwoo always being irritable and ruffled from having his precious sleep interrupted, he never turns Jooheon away.

 

—————————————————————

 

Jooheon is woken up by a knock on his flat door. He’d dozed off on the couch midway through a Twilight marathon. His laptop is perched on his lap, the last 20 minutes of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse playing mutely through the earbuds tangled in his throw blanket. He squints blearily at the bright screen and smacks his lips together, his mouth feels and tastes like death, as does his head, he thinks, rubbing at the dull pounding beneath his temples.

The next knock startles him, nearly causes him to knock his laptop onto the floor. Before whoever it is bothering him at, according to the time on his laptop _11:48pm_ , can scare him again, he carefully slides his laptop aside, cocoons himself in the throw, and pads across his living room. The wooden floor is cold against the soles of his feet, so for a second, he considers putting on socks before answering the door.

“Jooheonie?” Hyunwoo’s voice calls out, muffled behind the door. That alone convinces him to forget the socks and answer.

Jooheon is greeted by sullen looking Hyunwoo, his face a little flushed and swollen. Had he been crying? It’s probably better not to ask.

“Can I come in?” Hyunwoo asks, clearing his throat when his question comes out a bit hoarser than intended.

“Yeah, uh, of course.” Jooheon says and steps back to let him in. Hyunwoo wanders over to the couch and flops down, limply lying his head back against the cushions. His eyes are closed when Jooheon walks over to him, he notices they’re a little puffy too. “What happened?”

“We broke up.” Hyunwoo says. Jooheon feels his stomach drop.

“Oh.” It’s the only reply he can form, he scolds himself mentally for not coming up with something more comforting.

“She got offered a job in California. She wants me to go with her, to move there with her.”

The thought of Hyunwoo across the country makes Jooheon’s stomach churn. He barely manages to swallow past the lump in his throat and ask. “What’d you say?”

“That I can’t leave Seoul.” Jooheon lets out a sigh of relief before Hyunwoo continues. “My family is here, my job is here, my _friends_ are here. I’m not willing to drop everything to tagalong after her.”

“She didn’t want long distance?” Jooheon asks.

“I suggested it but she seemed hesitant. I don’t know…” He sighs and leans forward. “I just can’t imagine not having my friends there, y’know?” He turns his head to look at Jooheon. “I can’t imagine not having _you_ … there.”

Jooheon feels those confusing feelings in his gut twist and turn into knots. He blinks at him, unsure of what to say.

“Sorry, I’m a little tipsy.” Hyunwoo says, rubbing at his puffy eyes.

“It’s okay, I’ll get you some water.” Jooheon says and walks to the kitchen.

“You always have beer, don’t you?” Hyunwoo asks from across the room.

“Uh—” Jooheon pauses with his hand on the knob of the cabinet he keeps drinking glasses in.

“Get me a beer.”

Jooheon considers it for a moment, then shrugs, opens the fridge instead and grabs two beers from the bottom shelf. He pops them both open on the counter edge and hands one to Hyunwoo before sitting beside him on the couch.

“Is that that vampire movie?” Hyunwoo asks, gestures toward Jooheon’s opened laptop, still silently streaming the last few minutes of Eclipse.

“Yeah, Twilight. It’s the third one. I was having a marathon.” Jooheon says, rolling his beer back and forth between the palms of his hands.

“Oh, sorry I interrupted.” Hyunwoo frowns, peeling at the corner of his beer’s label.

Jooheon shrugs and takes a sip of his drink. “It’s fine, I’d actually fallen asleep so maybe your wake up call is what I needed.”

“Ah.”

“Do you want to talk more about—?”

Hyunwoo cuts him off with a wave of his hand. “I said all I have to say, I just wanted some company...” He watches the movie play for a moment. “I wanted to see you.”

Jooheon doesn’t respond, he doesn’t think he could if he tried, so they just instead watch the last few minutes of Eclipse in mutual silence. There are Korean subtitles, not that Jooheon needs them, he’s watched these movies enough to know the basic plot without words, but for Hyunwoo’s sake. It’s good.

Jooheon finds himself really getting into it, so much so that he doesn’t notice Hyunwoo staring at him and nearly doesn’t hear him when he says. “You really like vampires.” His tone suggests it’s a fact rather than a observation, and he’s not entirely wrong.

“A little bit.” 

“What’s the name of the graphic novel series you used to read in middle school? With the pretty vampires on the cover?” Hyunwoo asks, scratching beneath his chin and pouting his lips, it’s an unconscious habit he tends to do when he’s thinking. It’s far more endearing than it should be.

“Vampire Knight?” He guesses, and he assumes he guessed right by the little _“ah ha”_ expression Hyunwoo makes.

“Yep, that’s the one.” 

Jooheon notices the quirk in his tone, knows that it’s Hyunwoo’s subtle way of mocking him. He crosses his arms and slumps down in his seat, he deals with enough of Minhyuk’s teasing, he doesn’t need it from Hyunwoo too. “The concept is romantic, okay?”

Hyunwoo nods and takes a sip of beer.

“I just think it would be neat to be a vampire.” Jooheon adds in a further attempt to defend himself.

“Mmhm.” Hyunwoo is a man of few words and sometimes it greatly irritates Jooheon.

“An immortal falling in love with a mortal is very romantic.” Jooheon explains, and Hyunwoo's only response is a quiet hum of agreement. “Bella chooses to turn into a vampire so they can be together. A sacrifice made for love...” He huffs, sulking when Hyunwoo just nods his head again.

They sit in silence for a minute, and Jooheon glances over at Hyunwoo half expecting the same stupid smirk, only to find he’s looking at him with a fond smile instead.

“Is that the plot?” He asks. “I’ve never seen any of them.”

Jooheon stares at him, trying to decide whether he’s messing with him or not, and because of the earnest  expression on his face, Jooheon takes his curiosity as genuine. He clears his throat and gestures toward his laptop, an infinite list of credits scrolls down it’s screen. “Do you… want to watch one?”

Hyunwoo shrugs and lounges back, making himself comfortable. “Sure.”

Jooheon fails to mask his excitement as he pulls up the first movie of the series. He sets his laptop on the coffee table, pulls the earbuds out of the jack, and hits play before settling back on the couch beside Hyunwoo.

Hyunwoo at some point in the first 20 minutes gets up to find something to snack on, and returns with a steaming cup of ramen. He notices Jooheon glancing at it, not hungry enough to make his own but tempted by the delightful smell, so he twists up a few noodles and silently offers them to him. Jooheon’s eyes light up and he takes it all in one bite, humming appreciatively as he reclines back into the cushions. Hyunwoo watches him chew through it, he’s always found the way Jooheon pouts while he eats obnoxiously cute.

Jooheon notices him staring, and swallows. “What?”

Hyunwoo shrugs and turns his attention back to the movie. “Nothing, you’re just cute.”

Jooheon hates that it makes him stomach flip. He’s been called cute a thousand times by a hundred different people, but when Hyunwoo says it, of course it’s different.

During the first hour of the movie, Jooheon gradually migrates toward Hyunwoo until his head is resting against his chest and Hyunwoo’s arm is hooked behind his back. His hand always seems to find the same place beneath the hem of Jooheon’s shirt. It’s as if he’s waiting for permission to move it any further.

As the movie treks on, Jooheon finds it harder and harder to focus on anything but Hyunwoo’s hand. He’s on his third beer making his confidence levels exponentially higher than usual, and yet the words still get caught in his throat.

_Move your hand Move your hand Move your hand_

He repeats it over and over in his head, thinking maybe if he mentally screams it loud enough Hyunwoo will hear him.

Jooheon must suddenly gain telepathic powers because suddenly Hyunwoo shifts behind him and his thumb grazes beneath his waistband. But that’s still not enough. “Jooheonie, what’s that actors na—”

“Move your hand.” Jooheon grits out.

“Oh, sorry.” Hyunwoo apologizes as he retracts his hand, but Jooheon grabs it before he’s gotten more than ten centimeters away.

“No, I mean, _move_ your hand.” Jooheon punctuates _“move”_ by sliding Hyunwoo’s hand beneath his shirt.

Hyunwoo’s still for a moment, and all Jooheon can hear besides the grainy audio of the movie, is Hyunwoo’s careful shallow breaths.

Jooheon thinks that he may have misread the situation, or possibly misread their relationship for the past eighteen years, but then Hyunwoo’s hand is moving, a ghostly touch across the plains of his stomach.

And suddenly Jooheons’ terrified, because it’s _actually happening_. His gut becomes impossibly tight, nausea rising up into his chest and then his throat. He’s finding it harder and harder to breathe as his heart hammers against his ribcage so hard that he thinks he might vomit and have a heart attack all at once.

But then Hyunwoo’s wide palm is spreading out over his chest, above where his heart is thumping, and he hears the sharp inhale Hyunwoo takes when he feels it. “It’s alright.” He says, so gently, in the tone he only uses when talking to small animals and children, but it works all the same on Jooheon. He feels a wave of calm wash over him and his body relaxing against the warmth of Hyunwoo, wishing he could be enveloped by it, wanting to sink deeper until Hyunwoo fills all the space around him.

He wants so much that he can’t have, and Hyunwoo will always be one of those things.

But they’re both intoxicated, and Jooheon’s common sense is waning, and all he can focus on is the warmth of Hyunwoo’s hands against his bare skin. So he thinks in that moment, maybe he _can_ have Hyunwoo.

He places his hands over Hyunwoo’s, suddenly reminded of how significantly small his own are in comparison. “Hyung…” He says.

“Hmm?” Hyunwoo hums, and Jooheon leans forward, still holding Hyunwoo’s palm to his chest. He wants to be closer to him, wants to see who’s touching him. So he releases his hand and twists his body around until he’s fully facing Hyunwoo and perches himself precariously on his thigh. Jooheon doesn’t often get to see Hyunwoo from this angle, but he thinks he could definitely get used to it. Hyunwoo’s eyes are dark as he looks up at him, and Jooheon lets himself get lost in them, so much so that he almost doesn’t register the hands sliding up to hold his sides, carefully stabilizing him.

“I’ve wanted to do this, for so long.” Jooheon whispers as he leans forward, stopping when they’re only a breath apart. Hyunwoo’s eyes dart down to his lips then back up again, and he lets out a breathless laugh.

“Me too.”

It’s Jooheon who closes the distance between them.

Kissing Hyunwoo is everything he’d imagined and more. His lips are as soft and plush as they look, and Jooheon can’t even bring himself care that he tastes like sour beer and ramen, because he’s wanted to do this so badly for so long, and he’s finally getting it and it feels _so good_.

Jooheon doesn’t wait to touch Hyunwoo. The second their lips connected his hands were on him. They move impatiently, trying to explore every inch of Hyunwoo that they can reach in as little time as possible. A thrill jolts through him as his fingers feel over the dip of his shoulder blades, Jooheon has always said Hyunwoo has a nice back but now he’s getting to really _feel_ it.

Hyunwoo’s hands slide beneath Jooheon’s shirt and over the expanse of _his_ back, and he can’t hold back a full body shiver.

“You alright?” Hyunwoo pauses their kiss to ask. Always so caring, always so careful, even while drunk.

“Yeah it’s just… hard to believe this is actually happening.” Jooheon says, and while he nods, his head begins to feel too heavy for his neck, so he lets it fall forward into the curve of Hyunwoo’s shoulder.

“I know what you mean…” Hyunwoo mutters, rubbing gentle circles along Jooheon’s spine. “You okay there?”

Jooheon nods his head against Hyunwoo’s throat. They sit there for a moment as Jooheon’s head swims, and when the room finally stops spinning, he finds himself so overcome with want. So overcome by _need_ , that he crosses that final boundary between them, with an experimental roll of his hips.

“Honey—” Hyunwoo whispers, grip tightening on his sides. The slip of that nickname inspires him to attempt to roll his hips again, but Hyunwoo’s hands hold him still. “Are you sure about this?”

Despite his stature, Hyunwoo has always been endearingly shy and maybe _too_ careful, and despite how long he’s known Jooheon, he still treats him like something delicate, something precious. But Jooheon is far from that, he’s unstable and a wreck, and also very impatient, so he answers Hyunwoo’s question in the only way he formulate, which is by kissing Hyunwoo.

To his surprise, Hyunwoo doesn’t protest, and instead melts into it, pulling Jooheon down to grind against his thigh. Things quickly pick up pace from there, and become more and more disorienting for Jooheon. Hyunwoo’s hands pave a hot path up his stomach and over his chest, his own hands grip the fine hairs at Hyunwoo’s nape, and he feels a familiar tight white heat beginning to build in his gut, something much more pleasant than the nausea he’d felt earlier.

Eventually they both have to break apart to breathe, but they never slow down. Jooheon leans forward to rest his forehead against Hyunwoo’s, struggles to hold on, and as their heavy breaths mingle, Hyunwoo finally finds his rhythm. Jooheon goes pliant against him, riding it out until the heat in his gut grows too large for his body and releases alongside a choked moan from his throat. Jooheon’s hands seek Hyunwoo out, and he follows suite a minute later with a deeper noise of his own.

They lay there afterward, heavy and breathless, and for a moment Jooheon feels content. For a moment, he feels present, he feels aware of Hyunwoo beneath him, holding him, and those confusing feelings don’t feel quite as confusing. They finally make sense, he recognizes them for the undeniable warmth that they are.

So for a moment, he selfishly thinks to himself, that he finally has Hyunwoo for his own.

But then he remembers Yeojin, and the last three miserable years that he’s spent watching the man he loves be helplessly in love with someone else, and it dawns on him, that if he keeps Hyunwoo for himself, he’ll be doing exactly that to Yeojin. It’s only been hours since they broke up. This was practically _cheating_.

She never did anything to be dragged into their messy relationship, and Hyunwoo wouldn’t have done anything tonight if Jooheon hadn’t initiated it.

Jooheon was breaking apart a relationship, and for the first time, it wasn’t his own to ruin.

_This was a mistake._

Jooheon jerks back and nearly loses his balance, but Hyunwoo’s quick to catch him before he does. And as Hyunwoo stares at him, breathing heavily, face flushed, and _smiling_ , Jooheon is filled with an overwhelming sense of guilt.

“Fuck.” Jooheon mutters and moves off of Hyunwoo’s lap to sit on the opposite side of the couch. He slouches forward, burying his face in his hands. “This was a mistake.”

Jooheon wishes that Hyunwoo would get angry, wishes Hyunwoo would say more than two words for once. He wants Hyunwoo to scream at him, he wants him to be as disgusted with him as he is with himself.

“This was a mistake.” Jooheon says again, pressing the heel of his palms against his eyelids until his vision goes white.

“I’m sorry…” Hyunwoo says, barely above a whisper, and then he reaches out to Jooheon, his hand featherly light against his shoulder. For the first time in his life, Jooheon flinches away. Hyunwoo’s touch is always welcome, but in this moment, it's the last thing he deserves. “Jooheon…” He says, and he sounds so _desperate_.

Jooheon barely manages to hold in the tears threatening to fall.

“Please, just… go away.”

He feels the couch shift as Hyunwoo stands, hears his heavy footsteps against the wood floor, notices his hesitation in the long pause between when the footsteps stop and the door clicks open, and when the door shuts behind him, Jooheon lets his guard fall and heaviness envelops him.

He isn’t sure how long he cries, or how he ends up in his own bed, but when he checks his phone it’s 3am, he’s got a splitting headache, and he’s all too aware of Hyunwoo’s absence.

He rolls over and falls back asleep before he can think about it twice.

 

—————————————————————

 

It’s a little past noon when he wakes up again, and daylight pours in through the window.

He’s got a little less than an hour until his shift starts so despite his body’s protests, he quickly drags himself out of bed, and takes a hot shower. His memories of the night before are fuzzy, but the mess in his underwear confirms that the pieces he remembers are true.

He fucked up everything.

It’s hard enough getting dressed when half asleep, but with the addition of a migraine and intoxicated regrets, it’s like solving some kind of puzzle. He doesn’t notice he put his shirt on inside out until he’s on the subway, halfway to work. It’s crowded, but he managed to find a seat, and while he’s seated, he scrolls through his notifications for a distraction.

His thumb hovers over the texts from Hyunwoo.

 _I’m sorry about last night. You were right. It was a mistake._  

_I’m willing to forget about it if that’s what you want._

Jooheon stares at the messages for a minute, and then locks his phone. The train comes to a halt at his stop, he slides his phone into his pocket, weeds through the crowd, and out the subway doors.

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading !!  
> kudos and comments are always appreciates <3
> 
> [edit] so this was gonna be chaptered but i wrote it in like 3 days when i felt like shit and im not rlly, interested in continuing this storyline? i think it works fine on its own as an angst one shot .
> 
> DW im working on other drabbles and AUs that ill actually finish because they dont make me miserable to think about . :))
> 
> [there's a severe lack of showheon content on the internet and if nobody is gonna give me what i want guess i gotta do it myself]
> 
> title from jooheon’s mixtape dwtd :^]


End file.
